Art Of Teaching

Good or Bad?

Today this is my first blog on counselling and I hope to continue writing every week for my readers. Small blogs with a definite message.

First of all, I was not a parent who did this to their children. My elder daughter was studious and calm by nature and the younger one was very intelligent but a spitfire. As a Principal I always thought what would be the real reason for a parent to do this to their children. My only goal for my daughters was to try and make them responsible adults who would be able to take care of themselves in my absence also. Career wise I always told them to choose what they wanted to be and what would make them happy. Of course, I knew money helps but that was never a criterion for me to equate with happiness.

So, when I think of parents pressurizing their children, and their thought process, I think most of them equate money with happiness and success. I feel most of them push their children to qualify for roles which may not be to their likings but has to be extraordinary or very comfortable financially as for them and for the society, it was only the earnings that would come to make them acceptable in society as someone who has succeeded in life.

But sorry to say I have seen burnouts who lost the tempo in the long run by falling into these traps and repenting at a later stage saying they wanted to do something different.

The second possible thing would be that they think that having children will benefit them in their old age if they earn well as they equate money with happiness. I don’t think this expectation is justified unless they do it of their own free will.

From a psychological point of view, the reasons for parental pressure can be summarized into: Psychological motivations, cultural and social incentives. Economic factors and family dynamics.

Psychological Motivations:

1. Parents think that a child’s success is an authentication of their own selections, sacrifices and character.
2. Parents fear and feel anxious that in this indefinite world it is their duty to push their children to gain economic permanency, perform in competitions with other children and emerge champions to achieve safe and high-status outcomes.
3. Parents want to fulfil their unfinished dreams through their children and therefore force them to chase vocations and accomplishments which they never had a chance to achieve at the cost of the child’s individuality.  
4. There is also a pattern showing parental control, zero tolerance for inadequacies as they deem fit, and these lead to high end pressure strategies to achieve any apparent upcoming jeopardies.

     Cultural and Social Incentives:

In every society, fields like medicine, finance, technology, It, engineering hold high esteem and are the source to render social status and this is what parents want to pressurize their children to achieve? Why this stance? Does this mean a dancer, or fashion stylist or such careers don’t count? This is a very wrong perspective.

I had very high grades and as per parental pressure my parents made me choose the science stream. I totally lost my drive to attend college, Thanks to my Principal Madam Vaswani, who called my parents and told them in the middle of the academic session that she was transferring me to the arts stream. My parents were reluctant and requested her to transfer me to Commerce but Madam did not agree and told my parents that my aptitude is for arts and that was the turning point of my life. I did so well as it was to my liking though arts stream was not considered so great for students with high percentage in 1979.

Some societies link family reputation, intergenerational mobility and prestige to selection of careers and achievements.

Another compelling social incentive is peer pressure and peer comparison. Parents try to make their children compete with each other to get recognitions for themselves, how silly they look, when you need to make their lives full of joy, you compare their percentage, their prizes and what not for social validation and positive judgement.

     Economic Factors: 

The Parents use the resources of time, money, self-sacrifices and investments of emotions to secure their child’s future and feel that the child should walk on the path perceived by them as returns for investing in them. Our society has unequal income and opportunities. So, every parent pushes their children towards a safe, secure career to improve their life.

    Family dynamics:

To become extraordinary and succeed is a narrative created to make children honour the sacrifices made by generations specially those who have faced immigration and class mobility.

We can also see parents favouring the falsely perceived talented child over the other not so talented one creating viable undercurrents inside the family structure. Parental aspirations are intermingled with children’s choices. We see parental biases in form of perceptive and informational tactics and this emerges from a space of oversimplification of remote success stories.

What are the Positives and Negatives?

Positive – Positive pressure can enforce discipline, skill achievement and success if balanced with proper support.

Negative –Excessive pressure can lead to Burnout, anxiety driven depression, damaged relationship between parent and child , rebellious nature, identity crisis and dropouts.

Solutions:

Use of common patterns like proper academic planning and extracurricular activities.

Valuing efforts of the child, learning outcomes, adaptability and emotional competence.

 Letting the child decide keeping in mind his preferences within supportive constraints.

Diversification of options and remodelling the definition of the word ‘SUCCESS’.

Parents’ emotional coaching is necessary to address their fears and separate them from realistic purview.

I end by saying that parents are blinded by social, economic, familial validation, status, legacy etc. It is necessary to look into the fact whether that pressure is enhancing or harming the child’s interest and performance. Whether the expectations are for growth of the child or for perfection as per societal norms to keep up with other peers to avoid judgement from the community.

Think carefully and act …….